ready.gov parody

This is a classic thread from http://board.crewcial.org/.

I thought this thing was down, but apparently it's right here.

[begin paste]

Top serious thread: Caption these pictures!!! (23510 views)

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xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:41:33 pm EST

The US government put together a website to prepare people in case of an attack on the country. The site is http://www.ready.gov/. However, the graphics they use are pretty ambiguous, and don't really make a lot of sense on their own, so caption some!! Don't get trapped under stuff. If you spot an act of terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, just yell really loudly. Learn karate to open doors GO!

graeme posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:43:36 pm EST

Swerve to avoid explosion Crank it up, fucker!

diane court posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:44:13 pm EST

build a fort with your couch cushions and then play house, but don't let it fall your comment was already too witty for me for the second one hight five to exit

graeme posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:46:13 pm EST

Cook for five minutes and twelve seconds, or until tender

graeme posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:48:05 pm EST

How to dress like Michael Jackson

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:48:16 pm EST

If you do get trapped under something, amuse yourself with flashlight games.

nappydave posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:48:56 pm EST

hahahah

graeme posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:48:58 pm EST

Contemplate nature

glenda_black posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:49:12 pm EST

I'D GO DOWN ON YOU BUT YOUR PUSSY FUCKING STINKS.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:49:23 pm EST

The Great White show has already begun. Pull off the road, and find something else to do.

colateral posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:49:51 pm EST

dont evaporate in an abstract painting dont spit microsonic warfare follow the floating hand to the exit dont drive directly into to the nuclear holocaust obey satans commands the rde circles will melt your testicles

casey posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:50:03 pm EST

Food.

graeme posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:50:23 pm EST

hahahahaha

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:51:49 pm EST

Do not open the door for radiation, now matter how politely it knocks.

jamal posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:51:50 pm EST

this is even better than airtoons

superfuzz posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:52:58 pm EST

If explosion occurs, run in opposite direction, away from blast.

artrulz posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:53:39 pm EST

NO FARTING IN THE ICE FORT FIGURE OUT WHERE ITS MORE FUN TO FUCK YOUR LAST TIME MESS WITH THIS THING WHEN YOUR FRIEND IS DRIVING CUZ ITS FUNNY IN THE EVENT OF A TERRORIST ATTACK, BEST BUY WILL UNVEIL ITS "TERRORRIFIC SUPER SALE"!!!!!!! NEVER INHALE MORE THAN ONE TYPE OF COLORED SMOKE AT A TIME OR YOU COULD "RAINBOW TRIP" FIRST AID KITS USUALLY HAVE SHIT YOU CAN GET HIGH WITH IF YOU ARE HAVING AN ANTI-TERRORIST PARTY, KICK ANYONE OUT WHO IS DOING THE ELECTRIC SLIDE CHECK IT OUT THIS GUY HAS NO DICK

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:53:42 pm EST

In the event of a terrorist attack, relax and entertain yourself.

casey posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:55:49 pm EST

Enter your nearest church and pray for quick death.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:56:21 pm EST

Just don't ever go to Texas. EVER.

benjamin posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:56:26 pm EST

good job people, this is really funny!

bent glasses posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:56:31 pm EST

hahhaha if you think about chemicals long enough, they'll appear. don't think about chemicals before you let authorities know about chemical leak, wash your hands thoroughly no dead animals allowed on premises

uberzerker posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:56:34 pm EST

hot boxing from the ground is less effective loot these items first before wal-mart runs out dont live here

superfuzz posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:56:37 pm EST

He who smelled it, dealt it.

velocityboy posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:56:39 pm EST

great thread, but don't imagelink from that gov site! OMG, IT'S ALL OVER NOW

augustus posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:57:06 pm EST

diet pepsi all over the screen

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 12:59:41 pm EST

this thread made me laugh a lot!

uberzerker posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:00:34 pm EST

this was the image for my first one

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:00:42 pm EST

Jon, I doubt they are going to care, or even notice! People link to .gov sites all the time!

bent glasses posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:02:56 pm EST

we don't have access to teleportals yet if debris starts to fall from the ceiling, find a computer with no power supply to crouch under

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:03:33 pm EST

Remember, paramedics are all necrophiliacs.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:04:58 pm EST

If debris begins falling, proceed to give yourself a blowjob.

uberzerker posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:05:02 pm EST

am not!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:07:49 pm EST

If you suck at chemistry, you may wind up dying.

casey posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:08:53 pm EST

12:15, 12:20, 12:25. All good times to think about your wasted materialistic life before you die.

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:08:57 pm EST

easily the best thread ever.

xfluffyx posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:11:10 pm EST

thanks, y'all got everyone in the computer lab looking at me funny for laughing so much. I'll have to read the rest when I get home..

casey posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:11:18 pm EST

Beef. It's what's for dinner.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:11:30 pm EST

Hahaha, thanks! Art's are fucking hilarious!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:13:57 pm EST

Walk blindly into a midget's home.

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:15:23 pm EST

these are all so funny!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:15:54 pm EST

Consider using deodorant. Your armpits are toxic.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:16:56 pm EST

Your phone may be a licensed physician.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:17:27 pm EST

hahaha, my posting history is going to look hilarious now.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:19:04 pm EST

Underneath piles of rubble is not a good place to try old-school breakdancing.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:22:10 pm EST

If you see a boombox, run away or assume the fetal position.

fm_synth posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:22:50 pm EST

Radiation is red, and round. If you see a fat person wearing red, they may be a terrorist. You will be bombed at 5:12 today. Just saying. Try not to let terrorists see this icon because it totally gives away the recipe to a dirty bomb Your car may lose its ability to become erect during an emergency. Try to have horses ready "just in case" because seriously, check out the wangs on them.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:24:14 pm EST

Remember to be travelling at exactly 88 MPH before driving into any high voltage lines.

uberzerker posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:24:24 pm EST

get up get up get down avoid natural light as it will make you dark be sure to buy michael jackson merchandise as well

fm_synth posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:27:42 pm EST

Consider moving to one of the solar system's outer planets

diane court posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:32:48 pm EST

"Do not open the door for radiation, now matter how politely it knocks." is my favorite caption and it reminds me of the land shark!

xfluffyx posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:34:19 pm EST

If you ever grow to be 60 feet tall, go here for the antidote.

pezpunk posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:40:36 pm EST

your gonads are toast. what the fuck state is this? michigan? deny the satanic mutterings of the window Select game 2 or 3 and enter the maze in the Black Castle. Move screen to the left of the first maze screen. At the bottom center of this room is a closed cubicle. Use the bridge to enter that area and collect the "dot". Carry this item to the screen just above the catacombs, located one screen down and to the right of the Gold Castle. Note: The "dot" is the same color as the ground outside, so care must be taken not to lose it in transit. Drop the "dot" here, and bring two other items onto the same screen. Move through the line on the right side of the screen to view the programmer credits.

andrew posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:44:50 pm EST

A++++

fm_synth posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:46:10 pm EST

pezpunk's last post ruled! i've always wanted to try that trick.

Mister Quickly posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:47:22 pm EST

In the event of an emergency your filing cabinets will become intimidating. Do not file or organize for they are tall and angry. If you notice that Stonehenge has been blown up, stop and lie in it to absord escaping Druid energies. Light exposure to radiation will exponentially increase penis girth, like the Hulk. In the event that your car sucks fell a power line to add some bumpin' lighting bolts. You be jammin' now."

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 01:47:38 pm EST

Remember to do the hokey-pokey whenever possible.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:02:04 pm EST

More, please :)

BiFurious posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:08:29 pm EST

I would like to personally thank XthesoloX for starting this thread, it has made my day.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:11:01 pm EST

Welcome, Renee! :)

Mister Quickly posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:11:38 pm EST

Don't cry, Rash-hands, for you are not alone now. Collect your ciggarette butts in a pill jar. It'll be funny when Grandma goes to take her meds... CLOWNED!"

tikki tembo posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:12:16 pm EST

Johnny 5 will save you

uberzerker posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:12:40 pm EST

i think i woke up my room mate from that one

Mister Quickly posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:17:56 pm EST

Hurry, The Human Torch, trouble brews.

israel posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:20:51 pm EST

The further you are from the blast the longer you will suffer before you die.

tikki tembo posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:21:46 pm EST

beware of the dreaded Tetris Attack

VoluptuousPanic posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:22:46 pm EST

my fucking officemate thinks i am insane b/c i can't stop laughing! well done.

israel posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:23:46 pm EST

Congress is currently debating a bill that will make it illegal for people to keep dynamite next to nuclear waste.

israel posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:25:12 pm EST

israel posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 02:28:58 pm EST

Not properly naming the towns in your state can cause confusion and delay federal emergency efforts."

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 03:08:48 pm EST

Tetris Attack, HAHAHA.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 04:31:39 pm EST

TELEPHONES ARE FILTHY! Always wash hands before and after use.

nasa posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 04:32:09 pm EST

this is like the best thread of all time !@

pezpunk posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 04:33:28 pm EST

i'm sorry, that statement is simply not true. bumper sticker thread was better .. as was the "i just got sprayed with aborted fetus" thread.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 04:37:46 pm EST

Tell those terrorists to talk to the hand, cause the face ain't listenin!"

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 04:38:54 pm EST

Yeah, Erica's abortion thread was amazing, and the bumper sticker thread ruled.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 04:43:57 pm EST

I'm not even going to caption this one. If you're so stupid that you need this picture, you're totally fucking screwed.

fivestring posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:33:04 pm EST

avoid taco bell. biohazardous material will always follow you tic tac toe skills will help you escape a chemical spill only wash your hands from floating faucets the tomahawk chop is out people of the future will have no faces keep your radioactive material in a thermos

trolleywolly posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:37:22 pm EST

shit, i only read the first 5 and i am already laughing too hard!!!!!

rickterror posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:45:56 pm EST

call a skinhead meeting in case of emergency

rickterror posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:51:20 pm EST

juke that bitch out, just cuz

rickterror posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:52:59 pm EST

dont set your house on fire

kno posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:55:08 pm EST

Suggested Usage:

rickterror posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:55:19 pm EST

the ONLY thing stopping radiation are your doors

missy posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 08:57:15 pm EST

oh my god i'm pissing myself. hahaha

kno posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:00:10 pm EST

> The Great White show has already begun. Pull off the road, and find something else to do. hahah! this is the best thread of the last 3 months

destro posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:02:01 pm EST

Do not enter vandalized biohazard shows. Evan will wack you with his dong.

shivelycore posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:07:10 pm EST

thank you but, our princess is in another castle.

digitalux posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:08:24 pm EST

this may be your last chance to see The Phantom of the Opera.

kno posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:08:33 pm EST

fruit and beer: one pretty great lunch!

missy posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:10:54 pm EST

when terrorists come over, assume the assfucking position. then roll around and cry. Do not let trolls enter your home. they smell funny. Watch out for the orange square on Broadway and Main streets. It might look like a present, but Its terrorism in a box! hmm...I wonder what i should cook for my terrorism dinner party? If the buttons mysteriously disappear from your telephone, be sure to seek medical attention immediately.

destro posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:12:54 pm EST

No Great White sleep overs.

missy posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:13:51 pm EST

OH SHIT! haha

digitalux posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:13:58 pm EST

do not attempt to skateboard up the stairs. skate DOWN only.

digitalux posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:15:08 pm EST

first aid kits are the new messenger bag

missy posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:18:16 pm EST

In case of terrorist attacks, put all of these designs on a t shirt, and sell them in a store at the mall. If we don't wear these bitchin' logos, the terrorists have already won.

pezpunk posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 09:40:26 pm EST

archived.

mayor mccheese posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 11:13:37 pm EST

top

ikilledbarney posted this on Feb 25th, 2003 at 11:31:52 pm EST

always remember how bad white people smell

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:42:01 am EST

Pezpunk, thanks for archiving this.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:42:29 am EST

Jay, you stole my Great White joke. P.S. 100!!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:49:26 am EST

Shake hands with your local Terrorist, it feels good!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:50:33 am EST

Fuck San Francisco.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:53:38 am EST

If terrorists attack, throw small animals into interdimensional portals.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:54:57 am EST

If you find yourself impaled by a giant arrow, go to your local hospital.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 07:58:27 am EST

Remember, flashlights make shitty light sabers.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 08:00:45 am EST

If you see a terrorist arrow, pin it against a wall with your shoulder.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 08:01:44 am EST

Stop running around with a cape on, you are not a superhero!

Rus posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 08:13:02 am EST

be sure to have a clipboard. doing mad libs with nothing to write against may be difficult when you're hiding in terror in a ditch you've dug in your basment. make sure to see your dentist regularly. no one wants their corpse to be found looking like shane macgowan. don't call yourself a vegetarian if you still eat fish. Texas is the Reason... that America's Fucked.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 08:20:05 am EST

It's easy to spot a terrorist family; they have no faces.

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 09:29:37 am EST

best thread EVER.

rickterror posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 10:01:01 am EST

top

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 12:16:59 pm EST

:)

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 12:36:10 pm EST

If your tissue is dripping with snot, get a new one.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 12:38:00 pm EST

Call the Fire Department, they have ladders and bongs.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 12:42:00 pm EST

If terrorists strike, grab onto something phallic and give it a good, hard pull.

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 12:43:49 pm EST

so clever.

tim posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 12:46:43 pm EST

a bunch of shapes to which tim sayeth bah! bah!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 03:13:59 pm EST

Fuck you, Tim, you're a horrible fake account!

VoluptuousPanic posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 03:34:58 pm EST

where did the pictures go??!!! i think i might cry.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 04:09:17 pm EST

Aww, shit, looks like ready.gov turned off Image linking. I have this thing backed up though, I'll post an archive later!

uberzerker posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 04:10:20 pm EST

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 03:13:59 pm EST Fuck you, Tim, you're a horrible fake account! hear hear

xthesolox posted this on Feb 26th, 2003 at 04:31:40 pm EST

Ian, if I mirror those pictures, can you change the URLs in this thread?

xthesolox posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 09:45:37 am EST

Is it just me, or are the pictures showing up again?

uberzerker posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 09:48:52 am EST

yeah, board pics were disabled for a while. hildetorr.....

xthesolox posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 09:58:49 am EST

OH, hahaha. I think the site disabled direct linking. Word! Keep 'em coming then!

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 09:59:31 am EST

yes pllllllease keep them coming! please!

VoluptuousPanic posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:37:06 am EST

YAY they are back - i sent this thread to everyone, including my parents!

xthesolox posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:37:30 am EST

Your parents? HA!

i kind of rule posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:37:56 am EST

MORE PLEASE

uberzerker posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:44:18 am EST

i was gonna do some more in a bit but then thesolo made the hurtful comment about VA and i changed my mind

xthesolox posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:46:13 am EST

Oh, whatever, it's just my opinion, do some anyway!! :)

uberzerker posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:48:20 am EST

if the next song in my winamp shuffle is by fugazi, ill do some now, if it somethign else, ill do some this afternoon

uberzerker posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 10:52:45 am EST

nope, its rusty cage by soundgarden, see you this afternoon

VoluptuousPanic posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 11:05:35 am EST

i would do some myself but i can't stand posting pics on here, the process is a bitch!

erica posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 11:40:07 am EST

when you get trapped under stuff, Batman will rescue you if you signal him correctly.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 11:45:25 am EST

Erica, YESSSSSSSS.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 27th, 2003 at 12:56:27 pm EST

Ok, archived. I think this thread's glory is over :)

fivestring posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 02:22:51 am EST

if you are homeless, do not use wax paper for bed sheets.

floorboard posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 02:31:16 am EST

this is why i love you all.

xthesolox posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 07:50:46 am EST

Hahahaha, Ryan!!

angrypanda posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 06:17:40 pm EST

Dear Terrorists, This is where Great American Satan lives. Please leave the rest of us the fuck out of it.

Feknoze posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 09:35:33 pm EST

http://www.ready.gov/i/nuc_vis_escape.gif Of course you may think this is the possible escape route, but i'm afraid you have just had your skin flayed from your body, and right now there isn't even enough left of you to put into a doggy bag to show your old lady http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_flashlight2.gif If you do get trapped under something, amuse yourself with flashlight games - xsolox http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_dust.gif but no matter how urgent, do not pass wind, If you really cannot help yourself extinguish all heat sources. http://ready.gov/i/vis_high_stay.gif If you hear on the radio that Bush was hit and the country has gone to the shit, just sit in a ball crying and calling for your mom until someone finds you. If however you hear Bush addressing the people run like fuck!

Feknoze posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 09:42:35 pm EST

"http://www.ready.gov/i/expl_vis_closed_door2.gif" You must be this tall to ride the escape route

mayor mccheese posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 09:43:58 pm EST

<img src="http://here.address.com/lolololol.gif">

Feknoze posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 09:57:28 pm EST

Of course you may think this is the possible escape route, but i'm afraid you have just had your skin flayed from your body, and right now there isn't even enough left of you to put into a doggy bag to show your old lady

Feknoze posted this on Feb 28th, 2003 at 10:00:08 pm EST

If you do get trapped under something, amuse yourself with flashlight games - xsolox but no matter how urgent, do not pass wind, If you really cannot help yourself extinguish all heat sources. If you hear on the radio that Bush was hit and the country has gone to the shit, just sit in a ball crying and calling for your mom until someone finds you. If however you hear Bush addressing the people run like fuck! You must be this tall to ride the escape route

myartar posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 05:42:29 am EST

Shit! I live in Town A. Never inhale fumes from your meth lab. Ponder the biothreat posed by dead animals. When living in LA, crawl. Exit, or meet my pimpin' hand.

myartar posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 05:49:05 am EST

Hide behind walls, the new duck and cover.

tz posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 06:25:13 am EST

i bet you didnt know that this could do that

tz posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 06:49:51 am EST

terrorists may use radio frequencies to broadcast propaganda and/or Britney Spears

tk421 posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 11:43:06 am EST

Just pray that dubya was at home in Crawford, TX.

ukiyo-e posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 11:54:03 am EST

OH LORD, HOW DID I MISS THIS??? I'M NEVER LEAVING THE BOARD FOR A COUPLE DAYS AGAIN!

heatherw posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 12:14:32 pm EST

People choke on fishbones every day. Fish are Terrorists. If you see floating faucets, the terrorists may have already won. If this tent is a'rockin, don't comaknockin. Guess what faggot, u got da aids If you hear BIOHAZARD is playing in town, proceed to the nearest ticket office. "NANU NANU" -- Sorry asshole, Mork won't save you this time. NEW EMO DANCE!!!!!!!!!!! LET'S GO SEE THE BRAID REUNION! Dear Orphan, this is what your family looked like. ... PSYCHE! Incase of an emergency, do not attend raves or hardcore shows. Scientists & Activists agree : Yes, it is possible to sexually assult a door.

blacksatan posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 12:31:52 pm EST

there's a club if you'd like to go you could meet somebody who really loves you so you go and you stand on your own and you leave on your own and you go home, and you cry, and you want to die

odog77 posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 01:36:01 pm EST

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BEST THREAD EVER!!!!

odog77 posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 01:38:48 pm EST

DO NOT SMOKE TEH W33D WHEN TRAPPED UNDER COUCH CUSHIONS

odog77 posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 01:40:13 pm EST

MOSH!

fivestring posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 03:47:52 pm EST

still funny

jojojojojo posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 09:37:53 pm EST

STOP! Hammer Time!

milque posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 09:44:30 pm EST

haha i love this thread

shoshanna posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 11:23:27 pm EST

I love you guys.

krock posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 11:27:25 pm EST

Huffing spraypaint generally leads to Hallucinations! Fun!

krock posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 11:28:48 pm EST

You are here, should actually read - You are fucked. All future revisions of this manual will so reflect the updated information.

shoshanna posted this on Mar 01st, 2003 at 11:44:15 pm EST

"Pizza guy!" Terrorists hate our freedom. And OCD. Finally: a layman's guide to the emergency exit. Smackdown!! "Hmm...what would Jesus do?" "New Mexico is falling! New Mexico is falling!"

crazybass posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 12:48:24 am EST

crazybass posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 12:57:51 am EST

leprosy can make you sad chemicals are bad, dont think, just follow the red arrows which are everywhere in life if you dress like this, the terrorists might think you are one of them, or a ninja always have three clocks set at the same time

Feknoze posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 08:40:17 am EST

To confuse terrorists always set your electronic goods clocks to different times. Persil super whites really get your whites whiter than white Remember .. no running in the halls, and what were you doing lighting your own farts anyway? I realise that you were in the blast area to begin with, but a part of you is here, if you can walk, you may be able to pick up extra parts, according to our tests, this is the direction you should head to collect the rest of your body parts. Play dead, you might get a snog .. or invited back to her place:D But remember, not all nurses are female! img src="http://www.ready.gov/i/sg_left.gif"> Go home and catch the last MTV deathmatch lie back, call your mum and ask her 'What will it be? Will it be chemical? Will it be nuclear?" " Que Sera Sera, what ever will be , will be; The futures not ours to see . Que Sera Sera, What will be, will be"

sofmachine posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 09:42:04 am EST

you said SNOG

xthesolox posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 10:46:32 am EST

HAHAHA, I love that this thread is still around! YESSSSS!! C'mon 10,000 views!

mcflip posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 01:33:19 pm EST

okay. this is fucking amazing. and as such we need to get these t shirts printed:

TianDogg posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 11:35:05 pm EST

Terrorists may use mind control to cause mass self-strangulation. I signed up just to post that.

TianDogg posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 11:41:10 pm EST

This is how to wuss out and be a goddamn sissy.

fivestring posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 11:42:14 pm EST

"it wasn't not funny!"

lordedgeFOREVER posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 11:49:51 pm EST

you people are so not funny.

drewh posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 11:51:23 pm EST

where did this thread get linked?

fivestring posted this on Mar 02nd, 2003 at 11:55:06 pm EST

the only place i sent the url to this thread was to my roommate over aim

gogogadgetchimp posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:51:05 am EST

gogogadgetchimp posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:18:43 am EST

I heard he does his own stunts Terrorists may offer you gum. It will make your breath radiantly fresh. After absorbing large quantities of radiation, watch how your hand goes through steel doors. Arhhh...It's Carrot Top! Saddam says "Can you hear me now?" Dirty bombs, $5.12 at Target. Live in the red. Do not wash blue eyes, hair, or lips in the same load as whites. Your long red penis will only lead you to hell. Healthy food--the work of terrorists. Support McDonald's, support America. Do not peek over bathroom walls. A terrorist may have left something funky in the next stall. Do not continue to climb contaminated ladders. Attn Hookers: Work from home It's better if you didn't have your car circumcised to begin with.... Or: Store your bananas in an upright position. Whip it! Whip it good! Warning: Anal sex may cause painful constipation.

gogogadgetchimp posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:42:10 am EST

Protect your package. "Many potential terrorist attacks could send tiny microscopic "junk" into the air. "

great mistakes posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 02:17:24 am EST

CAN'T BREATH. must have shirts.

shoshanna posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 02:29:39 am EST

linked on getcrafty.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:41:16 am EST

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:42:23 am EST

LOL

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:43:46 am EST

Surrounding yourself with duct tape is NOT going to save your ass!

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:49:17 am EST

Too bad you left your address book in California.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:51:29 am EST

Kleenex is the ultimate defense against weapons of mass destruction.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:54:12 am EST

Use these devices to spy on your neighbors. You can never be too suspicious.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:57:18 am EST

If somebody sprays pepper spray at the club, calmly proceed to the exit in an orderly fashion. Freaking out like an asshole will only cause a stampede where everybody will be trampled to death.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:58:34 am EST

Damn, that shit's POTENT!!!

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:02:29 am EST

When attacked by a nuclear weapon, do not run in the opposite direction. Always walk perpendicular to the impact zone.

VoluptuousPanic posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:04:05 am EST

http://blogs.salon.com/0001956/ my friend posted it on his Salon blog.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:05:28 am EST

Wiggle it, just a little bit

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:07:47 am EST

Become an Organ Donor.

rickterror posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:15:54 am EST

make sure all banana's are securely fastened into the new terrorist proof banana holders and are in the correct upright position.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:33:19 am EST

If your nose is running and you don't have a Kleenex handy, use a paper towel or your shirt sleeve.

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:19:41 pm EST

Beware of Groucho, the radiation terrorist.

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:31:23 pm EST

terrorist cubes will try to communicate with you telepathically, do not listen. use the force to levitate doors and block the transmission when terrorists have invaded your farm and are running off with your kid, remember their one weakness: water.

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:33:08 pm EST

whoops... terrorist cubes will try to communicate with you telepathically, do not listen. use the force to levitate doors and block the transmission when terrorists have invaded your farm and are running off with your kid, remember their one weakness: water.

argablarg posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:37:00 pm EST

200 and 13000+ views wow

jen k posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:37:17 pm EST

these definitely have me "LOL"- ing

Feknoze posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 12:51:48 pm EST

is it possible to be laughing out loud ing? it's kinda like a pin number .. personal identity number number or the advice to include numbers in your password .. now i always thought a word was a collection of letters, which when put together meant something in the English dictionary (or dictionary of choice) surely it should be a pass-combination of letters or numbers (pass-colon) so to reply to this thread please feel free to input your username and pass-colon number which reminds me ... Not all bins may contain dirty bombs some just contain dirty bums

Feknoze posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:03:47 pm EST

i said some just contain dirty bums!

Feknoze posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:06:14 pm EST

some just contain dirty bums! I swear i'm gonna find one that supports hyper linking soon

Feknoze posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:09:24 pm EST

dirty bums! theres such a build up .. its gonna be tumbleweed a rolling i can sense it

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:30:29 pm EST

Install a second parking brake lever in your car to really confuse the shit out of those fucking Talibans.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:33:37 pm EST

Electric cars don't require Iraqi oil.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:34:27 pm EST

Electric cars don't require Iraqi oil.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:39:59 pm EST

90-year olds should NOT be driving!

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:41:33 pm EST

Falling rocks ahead!

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:42:26 pm EST

Lets try this one again... 90-year olds should NOT be driving!

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:44:01 pm EST

Civilians must be on the lookout for land mines.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:46:15 pm EST

Al Qaeda hand signals.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:48:03 pm EST

Fuck! AL Qaeda fucking hand signals!!!

mattfri posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:48:20 pm EST

http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/12_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf Dude. You SO need to clean out your fridge. http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/12_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf Explosions behind you may cause your car to inexplicably go into Reverse. http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/12_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf I put 2-to-1 on the house. Any takers? http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/12_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf Thanks! And there I almost forgot that my ass being on fire is a BAD thing.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:50:40 pm EST

Next time she tries to leave, you gotta smack that bitch!!

mattfri posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:54:46 pm EST

http://media.smilepop.com/smilepop/flash/12_2002/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf Dude. You SO need to clean out your fridge.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:55:24 pm EST

Al Qaeda operative.

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:57:19 pm EST

9/11 victim

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:58:57 pm EST

Mexican Whorehouse

jloclo posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 01:58:58 pm EST

these have gotten really dumb

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 02:08:32 pm EST

Do not pick up the Shuttle debri

lordsimmons posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 02:26:59 pm EST

Be concerned if you start to hear voices coming out of your cassette deck instead of your speakers.

casey posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 02:28:20 pm EST

warning: swallowing anti-terrorist whistle may cause baldness and cartoon-like whistling when you speak.

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 04:48:53 pm EST

ATA: Anti-Terrorist Action

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 04:56:10 pm EST

The terrorists are going to try and take out the clock tower, there's only one way to stop them, Marti. We must go BACK to the future!

freshenmeyer posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 04:58:23 pm EST

This thread is AMAZING!!

sandro posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 06:01:22 pm EST

it WAS amazing until these new, unfunny people started appearing. they have completely skipped BCO hazing and it shows.

xanax posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 06:09:55 pm EST

Please use the shoulder to watch the nuclear blast.

xanax posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 06:17:11 pm EST

Giant Sid Vicious ahead!

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 08:39:40 pm EST

8. If you catch fire, do not run! ... Go stompin' in your Air Force Ones.

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 08:43:30 pm EST

giiiveee meee twooo puurrrs, iii neeeed twooo purrrrs

casey posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 08:47:59 pm EST

its tubers. he needs two tubers (potatos).

hustleANDbustle posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 08:56:46 pm EST

haha, you know the first time i heard the song i actually thought he was saying that and was completely baffeled... and amused

uberzerker posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 08:57:01 pm EST

sandro hit the nail on the head

xfluffyx posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 09:28:31 pm EST

I hope lordsimmons is a bad attempt at fake account. uuuugh.. (I remember when people said that about me, though, but hes' way worse than I ever was!)

xanax posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 10:00:25 pm EST

The Government really washes hands about you're ready or not !

toku posted this on Mar 03rd, 2003 at 11:04:17 pm EST

don't bite when giving head or someone will scream

WritelySo posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 03:00:41 am EST

Don't let Satan sell HIS goods at YOUR door! Farting noises will sometimes scare the Mormons away. The steady good hand of god is abandoning you. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! The Olympic torch is outta control! You will slowly, over time, lose the will to live. The elevator in our building is inaccessible, so please follow the trained snake out. Don't flatter yourself, they aren't after your prefab nowhere flimsy house, nitwit. Eventually your housemates will so loathe your internet habit that they will hurl pointy shards of glass at you! Michael Jackson has feelings too! Eliminating nature is almost like killing God, and you gotta wanna be that powerful!

WritelySo posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 03:05:19 am EST

Sorry, those were a mite too small.... Don't let Satan sell HIS goods at YOUR door! Farting noises will sometimes scare the Mormons away. The steady good hand of god is abandoning you. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! The Olympic torch is outta control! You will slowly, over time, lose the will to live. The elevator in our building is inaccessible, so please follow the trained snake out. Don't flatter yourself, they aren't after your prefab nowhere flimsy house, nitwit. Eventually your housemates will so loathe your internet habit that they will hurl pointy shards of glass at you! Michael Jackson has feelings too! Eliminating nature is almost like killing God, and you gotta wanna be that powerful!

ImBatMan posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 04:38:38 am EST

This shit was too funny to pass up. I had get some t-shirts, etc... made from some of the funnier stuff. Let me know what you do/don't like and vote for your favorite one to have it show up :) check it all out at http://www.cafeshops.com/notreadygov

french posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 07:32:12 am EST

"I can't believe it's not anthrax!"

Arkiliknam posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 07:46:25 am EST

Stay alert for R2D2 stlye holographs of president Bush for the latest news if all other communication lines are down.

french posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 08:15:32 am EST

For liposuction, dial L.

shironinja posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 10:13:57 am EST

REMEMBER - FLATULATION RISES AFTER FLATULATION CRAWL FOR SHELTER OSAMA WANTS YOUR SPLEEN SADAM WILL STEAL YOUR NOSE NO BATH TOWELS ALLOWED -- THEY Will BE STOLEN AND USED AS TURBANS KAMA SUTRA POSITION # 42 DO NOT TRUST BIG RED ARROWS WRITE DOWN THE LOCATION OF YOUR DEALER FOR EASY ACCESS RABIES CAN BE HIDDEN AFTER MASTURBATION WASH YOUR HANDS BEFORE CALLING YOUR MOTHER hey from the Idiot Free Messageboard

xthesolox posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 11:49:34 am EST

I can't believe this is still going!! holy shit!

xthesolox posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 11:50:27 am EST

Also, I love that you can get one of my captions on a Tshirt, HAHAHA.

xthesolox posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 12:01:19 pm EST

ALSO, 20,000+ Views! My posting has peaked!

deaf420yrs posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 12:01:41 pm EST

http://ready.gov/i/sni_left.gif

freshenmeyer posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 12:10:51 pm EST

toppe

freshenmeyer posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 12:17:13 pm EST

If trapped at the bottom of the foam pit, your penis may become erect and begin emitting light. The the tip of any standard a7 size saftey arrow may be used to pry open locked doors.

xthesolox posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 12:17:56 pm EST

All in favor of locking this thread, and calling it over, say Aye! :)

mercatur posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 01:29:24 pm EST

Avoid open flame when using fiber supplements.

msyjah posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 03:52:49 pm EST

Who Farted? Who Farted? Who Farted? Pick up hookers here.

casey posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 03:58:19 pm EST

these shitty captions are making me sick. please leave. but be sure to sign out at the front desk.

thagdor posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 04:02:59 pm EST

Someone set up us the bomb. We get signal. All your base are belong to us. You have no change to survive make your time. Move zig. src="http://www.ready.gov/i/vis_rad_local3.gif"> For Great Justice.

thagdor posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 04:05:23 pm EST

For Great Justice. (messed up the last one)

uberzerker posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 04:05:42 pm EST

hahahahahahaha!

thagdor posted this on Mar 04th, 2003 at 04:08:27 pm EST

For Great Justice. Grrrrr...

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